Modern day hippie?

I'm a hippie. 

At least I am according to Mike. I feel strongly about a lot of things, breast feeding in public, LGBTQ+ community issues, gun control, parenting, education, inoculation, treating people equally, and so on. I get upset and worked up when I hear and see things that hurt someone else. I cry every time I watch when Anna and Elsa's parents die. I cried in Finding Dory, I cry from sappy commercials. I cry really easy because I'm very in touch with my feelings, because I don't like to see others in pain or treated unfairly. 

Maybe it's my upbringing or maybe its my short experience living on my own in college or maybe it's my sexual orientation. I don't know what caused me to feel this way but I know enough about myself to avoid the news at all costs. 

I feel strongly about love. I feel strongly about acceptance. I feel strongly about equality. So I become passionate and have heated discussions over someone being allowed to use the restroom based on their sexual orientation. I become angered when I remember being forced to nurse secretly and to witness other people being forced to do the same. I become infuriated when kids are coming down with Polio because their parents are to stupid to vaccinate because of false information they've read.

I become confused that racism and sexism still exists because in my heart we are all the same an d why is it so hard for others to feel the same way. I become obsessed with marriage equality and treating people in the LGBTQ+ community with equal amounts of respect. I become disgusted when people talk about banning all Muslims because of acts of violence from a few who claim to be doing it for their religion. I become disgusted when people act and do terrible things in the name of "their faith". I become sad that the government doesn't want to make pot legal just because they can't control it's production so they deny that it really helps people.

I know that when Mike calls me a hippie he is just teasing me. I know that he has a lot of same views as I do but he isn't as passionate about them. He doesn't climb to the highest point to yell out his opinions. He doesn't force people into conversations about this stuff like I do. He calls me a hippie because of my passion about making this world a better place, about making everyone feel welcome. 

He calls me a hippie as a joke but what he doesn't know is that I'm ok with that term. I'm ok with being a lover and a passionate person about things I believe in and if that makes me a hippie then I accept the tittle proudly.

I am a hippie and I don't care who knows it! 

Hey Trannys get your own bathroom!

I'm sure all of my readers agree with me here, transgenders using the bathroom is the worst thing that could ever happen to this world! Forget world hunger, the homeless, war, poverty, rape, sexism, and all that other crap. Trannys feeling free to use whatever bathroom they want, that's what's going to bring the world down! I mean what are they thinking!? A woman who was once a man should never be allowed to be in a closed stall next to my kid!

That's an abombination! A(bomb)ination, get it? Because some asshole stuck a bomb in the Target bathrooms to protest this new bathroom "issue". Because somehow a person going into a friggin stall to do their business means a bomb should be set off to scare those "unwanted" people off. Who is that going to show? Hmm? Who are we trying to teach a lesson? Because now nobody is gonna want to use the bathrooms in fear of a bomb blowing them up! All because these people want to pee and a few people have something against it!

I love how people use the excuse of "well that means any person could dress up as the opposite gender and sneak in and molest women or little kids in the bathroom". Buttttt, in protest, men are dressing up in wigs and marching around the stores to prove a point? That what, a five dollar wig is atrocious on anyone? What exactly do they think they will prove? So what happens when a man who dresses as a woman and looks a lot like a woman comes into a men's bathroom? This man has a surgically created vagina, there is no longer a penis there, and she(formerly he) has to use the mens bathroom because she was born a he, tell me that wont make some people uncomfortable. Tell me that wont make her uncomfortable. And so how is she to prove she was once a man? Show her new and flashy vagina and say look there, at that scar... that was once a penis?

I don't get it. I don't get the problem people are complaining about. I get that people are scared of the unknown but to set off a bomb in protest? To immediate people in protest? To make everyone scared to PEE all in protest? I go to Target a couple times a week with both of my kids. Now I'm going to be scared to take them into the bathroom not because a woman who was once a man is in there with us but because there may be a bomb under my kids butt.

I'm not afraid of being in a bathroom with someone whose gender or clothing may not match what they were determined at birth. I'm not afraid that a predator is going to dress up as a woman so he can molest me and my kids. I know statistically that's very unlikely. I know that statistically my kids are more likely to get raped at a party, like I did. So I don't care if a she that used to be a he stands next to me at the sink in the bathroom. I don't care if she stands behind us in line because chances are she has had some similar or probably worse type of experience than I have.

And I wont treat her any differently because it is her choice or her feeling inside that makes her who she is. And if my kids notice the she that used to be a he and they ask a question about that I will tell them that she is where she belongs because she is here to pee just like us. Except for when its a number 2.

A night at a Speak Easy

Most weekends I do the same thing, spend time with the family doing some mostly kid friendly activity. But last weekend, yes Mother's Day weekend I spent 24 hours doing adult things. Sure most of it consisted of sleeping in late but a few hours of that time I got to live like a modern day bar hopper.

It started with an hour drive, a lovely dinner, and a comedy show. But what followed was pretty incredible. I got to pretend for a few hours that I was a cool, hip, fun, not just a mom person. And boy did I have fun. Never before have I been to the places we journeyed last Saturday night. Mike, his two friends and I went on quite an adventure! I got to see Bill Burr, who is a sexist pig. Not really, but he did say he expected someone from his show to blog about that so I figured why not me!?

I drank more than my normal drinking limit (which is 3 drinks FYI). I got to try new drinks and see new places, one of which I hope to visit again even if the drinks weren't quite to my tasting. I've only read about places like the one I visited that night. A trip to a Speak Easy was not something I would have ever expected for myself now that I don't live in a large city and because I have devoted 99% of my time to 2 kids. But! I went to one. Yes me! 

Down a quite street, through a dark bar squeezing between a brick while and patrons on bar stools. Up a small squeaky staircase, through a guarded door, up another yet smaller squeaky staircase and through a cozy crowded room to a rooftop beauty. When I reached the community table at the unknown hipster bar I was shocked, the roof I'd expected above me wasn't there, instead it was twinkling lights and tall buildings surrounding us.

It was a beautiful, magical place. A place with four brick walls but no ceiling. One long wooden table took up the majority of the room and being placed at a table with strangers was out of my comfort zone but I sat down. I tried the oddly named drinks even though I hadn't a clue what would be in them. I enjoyed the sounds and smells of the places with its odd music and rich wooded scent. I enjoyed the crowd of people even if they weren't the type of people I'd pictured there.

It was a lovely place that we left after one drink. It was a place I may never find again, but that's ok because for just one night of my life I got to be the young hipster in her obscenely short dress enjoying cocktails with a good group of people at a secret location that many of the people on the street below had no clue about. 

Yoga pants/leggings

I think the worst trend that's ever been started is the yoga pants/leggings movement. When people replace jeans or shorts or skirts for leggings and yoga pants, just ugg. 

But I do it. I feel wrong ever time I do but I cant help it. Its easier. Why wear one set of clothes during the day while I'm chasing after the kids only to change into another outfit for workout time. That would be three sets of clothes a day (including pj's). As a mom, who does laundry for a living basically, adding another outfit a day to this list would mean at least another load, and another hour or so of my life as a laundry slave. Sure I could do it but I'd hate every second of it. It's easier to just go with the horrible tight pants showing every inch of fat or cellulite movement. Am I right!?

Although if I looked like this I wouldn't be opposed to wearing these clothes all the time...

Set a routine

So its no surprise to any of you that I have suffered with depression for most of my life. Every year around fall it kicks into high gear, I'm not sure why but it always happens. I can feel it slowly starting to creep in as the days pass, placing a heavier weight on my shoulders day by day. I try to hide it, I try to put on a smile and laugh at the things I should even though I don't really feel it. I've been on and off of meds throughout my life (currently on) but it never fully helps and if it is working it sometimes makes you feel worse, like a walking zombie.

I'm so tired of being a slave to these insane emotions. I've been told for years to do meditation, to exercise, do yoga, to heat healthier. I've gone in and out, never fully committing to any of these. I have found it difficult over the past years to really get into eating healthier and exercising... I'm changing that now.

I've set myself up with routines. I try to workout in any form at least 4 days a week. Sometimes I go less if I'm busy but I make up for it the next time I do work out. I push myself harder and harder each time, I feel the burn, the sore muscles afterwards, the absolute tiredness throughout my body but this time I'm embracing it. Even if I don't feel like it sometimes but I have the time I tell myself to bite the bullet and get my butt into gear and it helps. I talk to myself like a trainer would, I tell myself to keep going even when I'm getting tired. I push myself to go on because I know I can and I'm only cheating myself. If I don't push myself to keep going who will? 

You know what I have realized though after staying in this routine for about a month now? It's that I really do feel better! I feel so happy and amazing on the days that I workout... the days that I don't I feel the depression creeping in. I'm hoping that I can soon get rid of it altogether even if it means I have to workout 7 days a week.

Do you know what feels amazing about this whole process? That I can run/walk/play more. For example recently we went to Universal (adults only, incredible right!?) and we walked around that place from 9am to 2am. Yes. Over 12 hours of walking/standing in line. I was the only person out of the 4 of us that could have kept going until god only knows when. I couldn't believe it. Sure I crashed when I finally went to bed at 4am but I could have kept going. That's when I knew, I knew that I have to keep this up. I want to be able to spend hours a day doing some seriously physical activity (like kayaking with 2 kids) and not get tired in the first few minutes. 

Although running, and enjoying it is new to me and it kinda makes me sick to my stomach that I'm enjoying it but it's good for me...

As for the eating healthy part... well I'm working on that. If it's in the house I will eat it. I have to pry my fingers off the box of holiday Pillsbury cookie dough in the store. Food, that's my downfall. Cookie dough, cookies, brownies, chocolate. Yeah all of that, yummy. I doubt I'll ever defeat my hunger for the bad food, I'll give in plenty of times but I'll eat as healthy as I can for the rest of time. I mean, we only live once right? And if eating a little unhealthy now and then takes a year or two off my life, well it's kinda worth it. Can I get an amen?

This is the year

This is it. This year, this is when it all begins. The super early mornings, the late nights catching up on chores, the endless activities, the need to do more.

I'm not quite sure what changed in me. Maybe it's the fact that I now have a kid who goes to school full time and is in kindergarten. Maybe it's all those horrific news articles I come across. Maybe it's me trying to "fit it". Or maybe it's me doing all this to try to feel like I'm a better mom, like I'm doing this job the best I can...

PTO started. I'd promised myself before I had kids that I'd never be one of those moms. I promised myself to be as un-involved in all of these after school parent things as much as possible. I did not want to become one of those fabled catty women who center their lives around their kids school and do everything to prove they are the best mom around. And now I've only made it one year and I suddenly feel the need to become that overachiever mom.

What happened? I was so content for 5 years of being the mediocre mom. The mom who nobody applauded or pointed fingers at. Just something in the middle, that's all I wanted. But now? Nooo. Not now. I want it all. I want the extra curricular activities, I want to volunteer at the school. I even joined the PTO and am joining SAC! It's amazing what you would do for your kids. The length you would go to make sure they are happy and safe. That's really what this new me is about.

I'm scared to leave my kids alone. I'm scared I could be holding them back. I'm scared to let them go places I'm not, be around people I don't know. So I have to. I have to get involved. I have to find things for my kids to do to get out of the house but a way that I can supervise somehow. I want to know what they are doing all day when they are away from me. I want to know who is around them and know the info before I read it online.

It doesn't just stop at wanting to constantly supervise and be the helicopter mom I pretend I'm not.

My mom never signed us up for anything, she never got on the PTO but she really couldn't have. Being a single mom working full time and going back to school after hours took up all her time. It was hard enough for her. She wanted to better herself for us and didn't have time for extra curricular activities. I don't blame her for that but I remember wishing I could do things like that. Although me being the quitter I was in high school it's probably better she didn't spend a bunch of money trying to put me in activities I'd give up on anyways.

 But now, being a stay at home mom, I have the opportunity and time to let my kids do these things, anything really, anything they want to do- within reason. So why not? I'm ok with being the joke to my friends for being the world's biggest hypocrite. I'm ok with driving the "mom van" as my brother calls it, although a SUV is not a mom van!! I'm ok with being the cranky mom at all the sports meets because I'm so tired all the time from running around. I'm ok with all of that because I'd be doing it for my kids, because right now I have the time. I'm ok with getting only a few hours of sleep a night because I get up early to make sure lunch is made and breakfast is eaten. I'm ok with doing all this insane selfless stuff to make my kids happy... for now at least.

The second child conundrum

I'm sure every woman out there has had a situation like this happen... you're stuck in a conversation with someone and they are asking you when you'll have kids. Or if you have one they ask if you're having another.

I know I recently asked a friend this who only has one kid. It's an automatic thought, like a must ask question for everyone. Like you're expected to have a certain number of kids. One boy, one girl that's "the perfect family". If you have two girls you're asked if you're trying for a boy, if you have two boys you're asked if you're going to try for a girl. If you have four or five kids people say aren't you done having kids? If you have only one you don't have enough. 

Where did this insane reasoning come from? I have another friend who is pregnant and I'm sure she will get asked a million times by family, friends, and even nosy strangers, if she's hoping for a girl. Why not another boy? Why can't we just leave it as it is. Why do we have to keep prying and trying to get people to conform to the "norm". Why do people always tell me I have the "perfect" family? Trust me it's far from perfect. 

If I had two boys or two girls I could save tons of money on outfits. If it was perfect why does it give me such a headache? It's perfect just because I have a boy and a girl? How does that even make sense? So any other family who doesn't have two kids, one boy and one girl is not perfect? Ug. Gag. Like seriosuly? 

If I hadn't had so many troubles with pregnancies we may have had more kids. Then my family wouldn't be perfect. If we adopt like I hope to do one day then I no longer have a perfect family? Like who in the hell set this stupid standard? Just imagine if your out someplace with your two kids both boys and you hear someone telling abother peron who has a girl and a boy that they have the perfect family. But they don't say that to you. Imagine how that would make you feel. Awful I'm sure. What makes that persons family any more perfect than yours? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

So please people. For the sake of all parents who don't have two kids, one girl and one boy let's just drop this perfect family stereotype. Just tell them what a beautiful family they have and be done with it. Seriosuly. Because I'm so tired of hearing that perfect family line. I'm so tired of feeling the pressure of asking people if they want more kids. It's none of my business. Have more kids, or dont. Have two boys and stop there, or dont. Just stop asking other people about what their plans are.

I'll try to stop doing this. I'll try to stop feeling the pressure to do this. I'll try to stop just smiling and saying yes I do when someone has the perfect family. I'll try to respond with its no more perfect than anyone elses. And you should try the same. Or don't just know that not everybody appreciates it.

I made it

So to all my loyal fans I'm alive! This is not an automated post. I really am alive. I just wrote this in advance because well, you know how I like to be prepared.

I'm told I'm going to be hurting pretty bad. Apparently even though I'm having a c-section it won't be as easy as it was after I had kids. We shall see about that. But that's what drugs are for right? And alcohol! Oh yeah baby. I got a bottle of Sangria at home with my name on it. I'm coming for you baby! Give me a few days.

Oh and I love you all and I can't wait to be home with my family. And no, I'm not just saying that because I should, well kinda... but yeah... ;p

If I don't come back...

Today is a big day for me. Today I am hopefully getting a lot of my problems resolved. Today, they are removing my uterus, my appendix, and a few spleens just floating around inside me. And maybe I'm being cynical, or maybe I'm jinxing myself, I don't know... but I thought I should just let out what I'd want to say if like I never came home.

I'm not preparing to die. I'm not expecting to die. Dying is not in my agenda for some time, trust me. But what kind of over the top, over achieving preparer would I be if I didn't at least address this side of the what if category? So I think I'll write it like this because you know how I love irony...

If I die, before I wake, 

I pray the lord my soul to take.

I want my family to know how much I love them.

I want my kids to know that they are my world, that they literally saved me from the darker part of myself. 

I want Mike to know how sorry I am for being a bitch sometimes but I wouldn't want to be a bitch to anyone else but him. He truly is my other half, and while we may fight it is not often and deep down he knows I'm always right. :)

I want my mom to know how thankful I am for everything she has done for me. She has suffered right along side me for almost 27 years. If it wasn't for her, I would not be here, and that should be repeated a few times because she has saved me more than once.

I want my brothers to know I love them and that I do have a favorite but I'll never tell who it is.

I want my friends to know that if you're still my friend, well I feel bad for you because man am I awful! But thank you for sticking around. 

I would also like to reiterate that if I do die that my father and his wife are not aloud at my funeral or whatever if my family chooses to have one. Honestly I'd prefer it if nobody would even tell him I died. Maybe I'm being spiteful but I think my death should be about me, not about him, which is what he will make it seem like.

Oh, the measly $164.00 in my account are supposed to go to CJ. Your'e welcome,  that should cover like none of the expenses to start up your business. Sorry...

I would like my organs to be donated to whoever could take them. I'm sorry for whoever might get my heart, it's pretty dark. But to all who would receive me, you're welcome for that OCD and chocolate cake cravings, those came from my Gramma's blood.

To the doctors who worked on me: Thank you. Just, THANK YOU. Because honestly even if I were to not make it (which there's no way any of us would let that happen) I'd still be ok with you guys. I know being the wonderful Christian men you are you'd throw yourselves over the flames because of this but don't worry, I'd be down there pulling you off of them. Cause come on lets face it we all know I'm going down. But the two of you have been so incredible. My mom gets the pleasure of working with you both and thanks to that you have treated me like family. I could not have asked for more wonderful doctors.

Oh and if I make it, which you know I will, I expect sushi on the daily for like a week or so... maybe more. So someone better start saving up for that expense.

But really, I'll be awake in a few hours and ready to post my I made it post. 

School years end

In 14 days my little boy will graduate from VPK. In 14 days he will officially be a kindergartner. In 14 days it will be summer time and I no longer have to wake up every morning to drive my little man to school only to pick him up 3 hours later. He only has 9 days left of school. 9 days! Where has this year gone!? I have a 5 year old! And he is almost a kindergartner! How does this even happen?

I'll probably cry at his graduation. Heck I've already cried each time he practices that cute little song they will perform graduation night. I don't want Tyler to grow up! I don't want him to leave me all day for school, sure I'll have Lil but I wont have my boy. What will I do without him? What will she do without him? Sometimes she cant even stand being alone with me for 3 hours, how can I expect her to be alone with me for a full school day?

Life is moving too fast for me. I swear we just had VPK orientation and now... now??? Now! It's over in a few freaking days! I'll probably still be wearing the same nail polish I have on right now, that's how fast this day is coming! Is it possible to have your kid fail VPK? Like can't I just keep him in that grade and be all oblivious about him maturing and all that? 

Do you know the worst part of all this? He's excited about it! He is excited to be a kindergartner! He talks about it all the time. And you know what comes with becoming a kindergartner?? GROWING OLDER! He cant stop talking about turning 6! 6! I mean the kid JUST turned 5 and already he's looking forward to his next birthday? Jeez can I get a break? I'm not good with change, and I'm especially not good with my little boy being excited about said changes! No way! I can't be excited with him. I keep trying to talk him into not wanting to grow up (you know because it's totally possible to decide to be a little kid forever) but he just wont have it. 

Tyler wants to grow up and be an adult like me so he can become a red Power Ranger. Yes, his dream job is to be a Power Ranger and while some parents may tell their children it's not real and that they cant become a "red Power Ranger" I don't tell my kid that stuff. Because someone has to play the Power Ranger's on the tv show right? So if that's his dream then he can have at it. Although I doubt Samurai Power Ranger's will be around when he's old enough to be one, it will probably turn out to be Zombie Power Ranger's or alien Power Ranger's or something like that. But whatever he want's to do I fully support. And I can jump on board with that idea if he can, you know, stay a 5 year old kid for like 10 more years? Maybe? Maybe longer...

My thoughts on Mother's Day

So as you all know yesterday was Mother's Day. Well, it happened to be my 5th one! When I say I have to stop a moment and think about that because I just can't believe it. It makes me feel super old. I mean if 5 years flew by that fast I'm gonna blink and be 50 in like 5 seconds... please wait while I get the super glue to permanently hold my eyes open...

So now that my fingers have been glued to the keyboard at least I can finish this thought... I realized yesterday that at some point I became ok with doing dishes, laundry, cleaning, and even moving on a day that was meant to celebrate me being a mom. And why am I ok with doing all this stuff on this special day? Because I am a mom! I am constantly moving and cleaning all day that I'd be lying to myself if I was actually expecting a day of just relaxation. Sure I took a nice nap, I finished the last 50 pages of my book, I watched a little tv, and I somewhat slept in to 9:00 am. 

I don't know when I suddenly thought of things like laundry and dishes as an extension of me and not a horrible chore I'm forced to endure daily. I don't know when I suddenly started being an actual mom and not a self absorbed whiny adult. I don't know when taking a nap on the couch became like the best luxury ever. Or when the best cards I could possibly get was a homemade card (which Tyler by the way made the best one EVER at school). And no the answer isn't when I had kids because I was still pretty self absorbed for a while after I had them... I still am sometimes.

I think one day I just finally woke up and realized that I have a great life. I have two beautiful healthy kids, a wonderful guy who loves me and would do anything for us, and I get to stay home every day and care for my family. Yes sometimes I can't wait to get back to working but as I know from recent experiences that I only think I want to work now. Truthfully I'm happy where I'm at and trying to change that results in a panic attack.

I am so thankful that I found Mike and we have our two wonderful kids because before him and them I was heading down a dark path. They saved me and every day they bring joy to my heart and just seeing them play and be happy and knowing they came from me is the only thing I need to have a Happy Mother's Day, well them and Donuts...

Bringing Nelly back

There's nothing like being a parent and watching your kids grow up to enjoy the same things you do. For me that involves singing and dancing and when my kids and I are in the car that's usually what the whole ride consists of. We are the family who pull up next to you at the stop light with the music blasting and the car shaking from our awesome dance moves! 

I like to sing and hum all the time and often find words my kids say reminding me of a song and the music starts blaring in my head. Well, a few weeks ago Nelly's E.I. song was one of those songs. Lil happened to say something that reminded me of the song (which I hadn't heard in who knows how long) and I started belting out the lyrics. Of course most of what people remember from older songs is the chorus and I've got that party down pretty well. Lil caught on and we were singing it the rest of the day. When it came time to get in the car to pick up Tyler I found that song on my mp3 player and played it for my little copycat and her eyes lit up.

Let me tell you, there is nothing cuter than watching your kid form that perfect O with her little lips as she sings out the Ut ooooh. I'm pretty sure since that day I've heard it as many times as they have ever played it on the radio. My midget is in love. First thing she says when we get in the car is "Mama put on the ut ooh song". And of course I oblige because who could say no.

It wasn't until I started listening to this song with my kid for a thousand times that I actually heard the lyrics. I'm lucky my kids have no idea what those words are or what the mean and that I'm quick on my feet to make up words to cover up the not so nice words in the song. I guess I should thank Nelly for singing so quickly on that track that they probably wouldn't notice the words even if I didn't cover them up. 

I'm not really sure how I didn't notice the lyrics earlier in life, or maybe I did and didn't care? I'm not really sure. Either way hearing his songs and others out there that I listened to but never paid close attention to has alerted me on what to look out for as my kids get older. For now maybe it's just slipping by but some day soon I may have to search for new music. 

Buuuuut, until I feel that that day is here, well I will enjoy watching those little cuties in the rear view mirror as they try to keep up with the beat. Maybe if we are ever parked somewhere and they request DJ Mommy to play that song then I could perhaps take a video and bless you with their talents. Until then...

Stop

I just wrote a post complaining, complaining, complaining and when I was seconds away form posting it I stopped. Whats the point of even posting it? It's not like it would change my problems anyways. So why do it?

Sooooo instead I am going to pretend to be positive and act like I can take the high road... for today at least

She is me

Last night Lil threw one of her temper tantrums that are happening more and more lately. Wanna guess what it was about... Her pajamas. She wasn't happy with the selection I gave her which was none because all her others were dirty. So of course her only logical response is to throw a fit. I got mad, I always get mad. I hate that she throws a fit over the stupidest things why not throw a fit when like someone eats the last poptart or drinks the last thing of juice? That's totally when I would do it (except I do it when someone eats the rest of my ice cream or drinks the last of my beer- yes I'm an adult who has thrown a tantrum over that and its a perfectly natural response when you are a fat person trapped in a skinny persons body! So lay off!)

Anyways.... So while Lil was throwing her epic uncalled for tantrum I realized something. I realized why she makes me so *$&#%#%#&#%#%@&&%#%&-# mad (That was all my curse words fyi). Its because she is me. She is the monster my parents created when I was really sick many years ago and no it wasn't intentional but it happened. And even though I've mostly grown out of being that person somehow that part of me transferred to my kid. Maybe I threw a fit when I was pregnant with her? I don't know. Or maybe she's just an egg that has lived inside me for my whole life and she got to experience everything I went through and it rubbed off on her? I don't know how it happened but it did. So when she acts like that I get mad, so freaking mad! This is the irrational person my parents dealt with starting at the ripe age of 5? So my curse is that instead of a kid starting at 5 she started from birth? Why why why did my mom have to curse me like that!?! And what in the name of everything am I supposed to do with this kid? Because when that attitude comes out I'm pretty sure my 5 year old self comes out in me too.

I'm sure Mike finds that super attractive. A grown woman and an almost three year old going head to head to see who gives in first. FYI the answer is nobody. Neither of us give in, one of us just gets removed and not by choice. Just watching act like that her makes me see red. How can this kid go insane over the dumbest things? How can I or anybody put up with her when she acts like that!? The answer is I ignore her. I let her scream and fight and I hold her down to put her pajamas on. And in public I drag her to the bathroom in Universal while she is kicking and screaming. I endure all the horrible looks from all the other people as they watch me drag my kid by her arms all because she wants daddy to take her to the bathroom and not me. Call us terrible parents but we would rather her not see that many penises that are in a mens bathroom in her childhood. Sure we could just let Mike take her into the bathroom to avoid the fit but who would I be to give in to an almost 3 year old over a bathroom? Someone who probably doesn't know how to pick her battles that's who. But in the end of both of those incidents I got what I wanted and after a few minutes she calmed down.

So whats the moral of the story? Well she who throws the fit first always wins? And I started throwing fits loooooong before she was born. So she has a lot of catching up to do to try to beat me...

I wonder why I'm so stressed all the time...

Im not beautiful

I know most people, girls especially have these complexes about themselves. We are constantly putting ourselves down or picking on something we don't like about ourselves. I'm no different. I'm constantly berating myself about some stupid insecurity I have for no reason at all. I'm afraid of my body changing in any number of ways, especially with age. I don't think I look beautiful let alone without makeup. It's hard for me to look at myself and be happy with what I see. Sometimes I don't hate myself as much as others. Some days I can even say I'm happy with what I see... With underwear and a bra on.

I'm always putting myself down making it hard for Mike to pay me a simple complement without me breaking it down and wondering if he has ulteriour motives or if he is like maybe not wearing his contacts in which case he's almost legally blind. I mean those are the only reasons he can say I'm beautiful right? It couldn't actually be because I'm beautiful. That would be crazy! I have such little belief in my beauty that I crave compliments from strangers hoping that if they say it I could actually feel beautiful about myself. That high only lasts a few minutes. Usually until I see someone who looks significantly better than me. And of course that's not hard to find.

The other day I told Mike I'm going back onto my diet and my exercise plan yet again in hopes of making myself into the girl I hope to be. (Although I'm sure if I'm honest with myself when I got to looking like whwoever I want to look like I'd still find something wrong with me.) Well Mikes response was "I'm gonna go buy you a bunch of cookie dough" and when I asked him why he said he doesn't want me to feel bad when he snacks so he just wants me to keep eating the way I am... He gave me a compliment a few weeks ago, saying I looked really beautiful that day and my response was really? I'm bloated, I have no makeup on, and my hair isn't done. What's so beautiful? So he responded with "Fine. You're ugly."

And he's right. I am ugly, so ugly. Ugly on the inside for sure. Who does that? My man pays me a compliment and I throw it in his face? What a way to get him to not give me any more compliments. Am I right? And then what will that do... Make me feel even worse about myself because he's not complementing me. Even though when he does I think he's lying. What kind of messed up world is my mind in? I crave the approval of strangers but the people who matter like myself and Mike mean nothing to me.

I know I'm not the only person out there who does this. I've read articles about this. I listen to my friends say this stuff. Its not just me. But how do we get this to stop? How will I ever accept myself? I don't know. Maybe it takes one day at a time. Maybe each day I need to tell myself one thing I like. And each day it has to be something different? I don't know if I'll ever be able to change my views on myself without completely changing myself but man do I need to try. I'm tired of these negative thoughts all the time. And for what? I have a good metabolism, my boobs and butt have not yet hit the floor. My thighs may be big but I've seen bigger and when I see models with my shape I'm damn proud to be in the same category shape wise. So whats stopping me from feeling proud about myself all the time? And what started these thoughts in the first place? Who knows. But hopefully I can stop this crap soon because it takes up too much time and energy to feel bad about myself all the time. So fingers crossed working one day at a time cures me!!

Subliminal music

I think my kids are a little young to know what subliminal messages are but they are not too young to be influenced by one. Little do they know that I'm actually training them to be avid Harry Potter fans. On a dew occasions I gave played the Harry Potter sound track for them. Gotten them overly excited about the wizards and such at Universal whenever we go.

I also hum the songs every now and then. And my kids probably have no idea that the song they are out their humming while playing with their toys is the Harry Potter entry song. They have already watched all the movies who knows how many times but mostly when they were too young to know any better. Only now are they beginning to understand and enjoy the wizarding world. It won't be long until I have two mini wizards on my hands and we overthrough any idea of leaving the two parts of the Universal parks dedicated to Harry Potter.

Soon that will be the only thing they will choose to watch. The only books they care to read. The only songs they dare to sing. And its all from just a little influence. They are going to be (not that they aren't already) the coolest kids EVER. And I created them! Take that karma!

Face lift to a New Blog!

I have decided to change the name of this blog. It needed it. I needed it. I sometimes felt embarrassed to tell people the name of my blog. Like was I admitting to being a bad mom? I didn't want people to get that impression. I still don't. And I know everywhere I go and everything I do people judge me. But that's because that's how we are. We judge people. ALL. THE. TIME.

But the people we judge the most are ourselves. At first I thought about changing the name because of what other people might think. Then it was because of the things I was posting seemed off topic from my tittle. But now I think it's because I judge myself so harshly. But then I thought about it like this, if I make one small concession and change the name a little if it helps me judge myself less than why wouldn't I do it? If something as stupid as a name can bother my why can't it just be changed? Then I stop worrying and wondering and wishing it was different. Now it is. And I can stop at least one of the arguments going on in my head.

So now I would like to welcome you to my new blog: The Mom who Blogs

Ta da!!

Ooooooh. Aaaaaaah.

Men

So this morning after dropping Tyler off at school I stopped at the gas station to get gas where I got hit on. No I'm not bragging that I got hit on. Actually its quite the opposite. I mean how low does a mans standards have to be to hit on a woman who is wearing no makeup and looks like she just rolled out of bed, pumping gas, with her child, at 9am! I mean is the gas station in the morning before work the new pick up spot? God I hope not. 

You know part of me was kind of insulted. Like is he so down on his luck that he has to try picking up chicks in the morning cause his night time game sucks? Or do I really look that easy? 

Well how about the feminist part of me that's like come on dude have some damn respect. It's 9am, I'm with my kid and I'm pumping friggin gas. It's unattractive and its too early for that shit. Not to mention the huge ring on my finger that should ward off eager suitors. But that's the problem. Men like that aren't interested in dating, just adding a number to the notch on their belt. These are the day where I especially wish my ring came with a huge sign that says Do Not Approach or something like that, you know so maybe some of them get the picture.

It's moments like this morning that I think of that trending #yesallwomen that occurred after Elliott Rodgers killed those sorority girls. Because of course all women are objectified about something and god forbid we have an opinion about it. We should be thankful we are looked at regardless of how uncomfortable it makes us feel. Do you know that I actually had a man ask me once if he could be my baby daddy as I was 7 months pregnant with Lil and walking with Tyler. Like how disgusting is that? But I should be thankful that someone was interested in me right?

Wrong. Sure I like the occasional you're beautiful comment from a stranger, who doesn't? Nobody is forcing that person to say that to you. It's flattering as long as that's where it ends like "hey you're really beautiful" and then they move on. But when it turns into can we hook up or if they skip all that and just say "hey lemme holla at you". Um no thanks. But again I should be thankful for the attention. Or I should make it clear I'm not interested. Why? I'm not leading anyone on by walking around. I'm living my life and god forbid I do that around an excited man. 

Yeah so I could go on and on about this but I don't think there is a need to. It's not like I can change the way all men out there think. I can do right by my children and be thankful that Mike doesn't objectify me like that and hope that other adults of my age can teach their children to have some respect so the world doesn't go to crap in a few years.

The mom that makes other moms look bad

I knew going in that when the kids started school I'd have to deal with those over achieving moms. I knew it was gonna happen but I thought I'd have more time to prepare. Nope, it has started already and his school is only voluntary! He's in preschool. Does it really have to happen so soon? Couldn't I have lived in the blissful life of not feeling the need to compete with other parents just a little bit longer? 

No. Instead my kid comes home today with a homemade telescope, map, eye patch, and coins all for a Jake and the Pirates themed birthday party for a kid named, yes you guessed it Jacob! And of course my kids are in love with it. And of course the mother of Jacob probably made one of these for each of the 20 kids in the class! Not to mention the gift box she sent home for Halloween with home-made items in it too. I swear, if my kid comes home with a mini turkey before Thanksgiving break I'm taking him out of school.

Why the hatin' you may ask. Jealousy maybe? Well she has the motivation to make gifts like that for her kids. All the kids are going to love the awesome things her kid comes to school with while mine comes with cookies or cupcakes? Sure I could become that competitive mom who sends even cooler things to school for the kids but what would be the point? It's not really about me and making the kids love me is it? It's about my kid having fun at school. And me not wanting to set the bar too high.

If I start making homemade gifts now its only going to get tougher to make stuff as he grows. I mean pleasing toddlers is easy what happens when he is in 4th grade and now expects me to send in awesome homemade gifts for his friends? What will I make then? And what happens when he is at the age where other kids might tease about some of the stuff I send in. I could be setting him up for disaster.

But then what if I do nothing? Then I'm the under achieving mom whose kid gets mad fun of anyways. No. That will not happen. I will be the mom who costs through never doing too much or too little. I want kids to like my kid for who he is not for the amount of cool stuff I send to school with him any chance I get. No thank you. 

Oh and nothing against you moms who do, its just not for me. I'm too much of an over thinker to try to do anything like that. I over analyze and it's easier for me to not do it than to obsess over it. But seriously, if she sends a mini turkey to school I'm pulling him out of the for reals.

The Final Day

Today is the day. The last day to be exact. 

Yup. Today is my last day of insurance under my dads name. Never again will I be under the incredible benefits of Federal insurance. Now, tomorrow I get to suffer through mediocre to crappy insurance like every other American. Yey me. 

I should probably have a kidney removed today so that I can use it to pay for the insurance that will rip me a new one while giving me nothing for the rest of my life. Sure there's good insurance out there but none of it is even close to what I'm used to. Where will I ever find those low copay's again? Nowhere, that's where.

That's all. I just wanted to take a minute to say how unfair it is that I have been privileged enough to have great insurance for 26 years only to have it ripped from under me. Booo