Im not beautiful

I know most people, girls especially have these complexes about themselves. We are constantly putting ourselves down or picking on something we don't like about ourselves. I'm no different. I'm constantly berating myself about some stupid insecurity I have for no reason at all. I'm afraid of my body changing in any number of ways, especially with age. I don't think I look beautiful let alone without makeup. It's hard for me to look at myself and be happy with what I see. Sometimes I don't hate myself as much as others. Some days I can even say I'm happy with what I see... With underwear and a bra on.

I'm always putting myself down making it hard for Mike to pay me a simple complement without me breaking it down and wondering if he has ulteriour motives or if he is like maybe not wearing his contacts in which case he's almost legally blind. I mean those are the only reasons he can say I'm beautiful right? It couldn't actually be because I'm beautiful. That would be crazy! I have such little belief in my beauty that I crave compliments from strangers hoping that if they say it I could actually feel beautiful about myself. That high only lasts a few minutes. Usually until I see someone who looks significantly better than me. And of course that's not hard to find.

The other day I told Mike I'm going back onto my diet and my exercise plan yet again in hopes of making myself into the girl I hope to be. (Although I'm sure if I'm honest with myself when I got to looking like whwoever I want to look like I'd still find something wrong with me.) Well Mikes response was "I'm gonna go buy you a bunch of cookie dough" and when I asked him why he said he doesn't want me to feel bad when he snacks so he just wants me to keep eating the way I am... He gave me a compliment a few weeks ago, saying I looked really beautiful that day and my response was really? I'm bloated, I have no makeup on, and my hair isn't done. What's so beautiful? So he responded with "Fine. You're ugly."

And he's right. I am ugly, so ugly. Ugly on the inside for sure. Who does that? My man pays me a compliment and I throw it in his face? What a way to get him to not give me any more compliments. Am I right? And then what will that do... Make me feel even worse about myself because he's not complementing me. Even though when he does I think he's lying. What kind of messed up world is my mind in? I crave the approval of strangers but the people who matter like myself and Mike mean nothing to me.

I know I'm not the only person out there who does this. I've read articles about this. I listen to my friends say this stuff. Its not just me. But how do we get this to stop? How will I ever accept myself? I don't know. Maybe it takes one day at a time. Maybe each day I need to tell myself one thing I like. And each day it has to be something different? I don't know if I'll ever be able to change my views on myself without completely changing myself but man do I need to try. I'm tired of these negative thoughts all the time. And for what? I have a good metabolism, my boobs and butt have not yet hit the floor. My thighs may be big but I've seen bigger and when I see models with my shape I'm damn proud to be in the same category shape wise. So whats stopping me from feeling proud about myself all the time? And what started these thoughts in the first place? Who knows. But hopefully I can stop this crap soon because it takes up too much time and energy to feel bad about myself all the time. So fingers crossed working one day at a time cures me!!