Modern day hippie?

I'm a hippie. 

At least I am according to Mike. I feel strongly about a lot of things, breast feeding in public, LGBTQ+ community issues, gun control, parenting, education, inoculation, treating people equally, and so on. I get upset and worked up when I hear and see things that hurt someone else. I cry every time I watch when Anna and Elsa's parents die. I cried in Finding Dory, I cry from sappy commercials. I cry really easy because I'm very in touch with my feelings, because I don't like to see others in pain or treated unfairly. 

Maybe it's my upbringing or maybe its my short experience living on my own in college or maybe it's my sexual orientation. I don't know what caused me to feel this way but I know enough about myself to avoid the news at all costs. 

I feel strongly about love. I feel strongly about acceptance. I feel strongly about equality. So I become passionate and have heated discussions over someone being allowed to use the restroom based on their sexual orientation. I become angered when I remember being forced to nurse secretly and to witness other people being forced to do the same. I become infuriated when kids are coming down with Polio because their parents are to stupid to vaccinate because of false information they've read.

I become confused that racism and sexism still exists because in my heart we are all the same an d why is it so hard for others to feel the same way. I become obsessed with marriage equality and treating people in the LGBTQ+ community with equal amounts of respect. I become disgusted when people talk about banning all Muslims because of acts of violence from a few who claim to be doing it for their religion. I become disgusted when people act and do terrible things in the name of "their faith". I become sad that the government doesn't want to make pot legal just because they can't control it's production so they deny that it really helps people.

I know that when Mike calls me a hippie he is just teasing me. I know that he has a lot of same views as I do but he isn't as passionate about them. He doesn't climb to the highest point to yell out his opinions. He doesn't force people into conversations about this stuff like I do. He calls me a hippie because of my passion about making this world a better place, about making everyone feel welcome. 

He calls me a hippie as a joke but what he doesn't know is that I'm ok with that term. I'm ok with being a lover and a passionate person about things I believe in and if that makes me a hippie then I accept the tittle proudly.

I am a hippie and I don't care who knows it! 

Yoga pants/leggings

I think the worst trend that's ever been started is the yoga pants/leggings movement. When people replace jeans or shorts or skirts for leggings and yoga pants, just ugg. 

But I do it. I feel wrong ever time I do but I cant help it. Its easier. Why wear one set of clothes during the day while I'm chasing after the kids only to change into another outfit for workout time. That would be three sets of clothes a day (including pj's). As a mom, who does laundry for a living basically, adding another outfit a day to this list would mean at least another load, and another hour or so of my life as a laundry slave. Sure I could do it but I'd hate every second of it. It's easier to just go with the horrible tight pants showing every inch of fat or cellulite movement. Am I right!?

Although if I looked like this I wouldn't be opposed to wearing these clothes all the time...

The evil, selfish, rude, spoiled, immature, pain in the ass, hypocrite in my life

The evil, selfish, rude, spoiled, immature, pain in the ass, hypocrite in my life is me. Yeah. I bet you weren't expecting that twist huh? I am all of those things and more. I know it. I don't need anyone to tell me all of that because I already know how I am. I try not to be like that but my parents unknowingly created a monster and here I am fucked up to the core.

Some people will say oh no you don't seem like all of those things but people, I am. Half the time I act like this and I don't even know it. It's imprinted in my brain so deeply that its just an automatic reaction. Add to that my ironic sense of humor and you have one disturbed bitch. Bitch. Yes. I'm a bitch. Many people may call themselves that at moments in their life. I on the other hand have moments of niceness surrounded by the rest of my bitchy moments.

And that's not even the worst part. The worst part is Mikes part. He has to put up with me! He has to deal with my random spews of venom towards anyone in particular. He has to deal with my irrational hypocrisy. He has to deal with my spoiled if I don't get my way then I'm going to throw a temper tantrum behavior. He has to deal with my heavy mood swings, my horrible sense of humor, my immature comments and way of thinking. He has to deal with this huge pain in the ass everyday.

Sometimes I'm surprised to wake up in the morning and see him still there. I often wonder if I've gone too far and he will just give up. Ok well I've gone too far a lot but so far he hasn't given up. He knows I am trying to work on myself and that is about the only reason he has stuck around. If I hadn't started to get better I know for a fact he wouldn't be here now. But he is so it helps to remind me that I am getting better.

I know I'm not the only one out there that's this screwed up. I've met others. Some people don't even know they have a problem. I've been fortunate enough to have people call me out but some people don't have that luxury. Its sad to see people knock down so many walls of friendship that all they have left is the rubble. That could have been me. That could be you if your like me. So I hope if it is you notice it and try to fix it otherwise you could loose something that you value the most. Or even worse you could create little children just like you and honestly we don't need anymore screwed up kids walking around...

 

I would just like to take a second to say thank you to Mike. He may or may not ever read this but it doesn't matter, I still want to put it out there. He does so many amazing things for me and I am eternally grateful.

Breast feeding

So it occurred to me that I have not really posted anything about breast feeding even though I really believe in it. But I'll be the first to say that shit is no walk in the park. I gave up really early with Tyler because I was really tired all the time (before we found my thyroid problem) and he had an allergic reaction to one of the meds I was taking. But I had big regrets about it after it was too late to try again.

 

So I did it longer with Lily, once I got the hang of it, it made life easier it was milk on tap so anytime she needed it I could whip out a boob and feed her, so simple! What wasn't easy is that she was actually born with a tooth. Yes, a tooth, crazy I know but it happens, and that sucker was no baby tooth, it was a sharp shark tooth! I kept reading blogs and articles saying it would get easier after about a month, that it wouldn't be as painful, but the pain never stopped. We thought she had a cyst on her gum, which is common too, until one day I just shoved my finger in there and felt around and sure enough it was a tooth!

 

Despite that little tooth and the pain I got when I nursed I kept going, I didn't want to look back and regret not trying harder like I did with Tyler.  I didn't go as far to nurse in public because she still had to be on formula too because of her jaundice, but I did nurse in the car a few times. I am definitely not the type of person to get embarrassed about exposing a little skin in public but I know how it affects other people so I tried to be polite.

 

But when we were home and had company I had to go into the other room to nurse. And I think that is crazy, I was in my own home and had to be displaced because it could make someone else uncomfortable in my home! We had one of Mikes friends staying with us for a couple of months so I had cover up or go into another room and I hated it. It was my house why should I have to hide myself doing something so natural as breastfeeding? But the men never saw it that way, and a lot of people don't. They see it as you are exposing yourself, because breasts are thought of for intimate times, not feeding times, which is so stupid! My dad has even gone far enough to say that he doesn't think breast milk is any better than formula. The arrogance of these thoughts are insane!

 

The women in my family and my friends fully support breastfeeding and had no problem with me whipping it out wherever we were, but the men don't look at it like that and its about time they learn that it is for other things than just their pleasure! Sure there are women who feel that way too and they need to learn too! I fully support breast feeding and the right to do it anywhere, why should we have to inconvenience ourselves because it makes someone else uncomfortable? We shouldn't! And I am glad women are finally taking a stand against this! You go girls! I fully support you all!

 

 

 

How to screw up a marriage

http://www.danoah.com/2013/10/16-ways-she-botched-our-marriage.html

I love this guys blogs. He is very real. He talks about ways he screwed up his marriage, how his wife did it, about his wife's new husband and the issues about that. It's nice to hear people admitting what they could have done better about something. Yes it would be nice if people would realize early on what it is they are doing wrong and work on it then but hind sight is always 20/20.

In this particular blog post he talks about the things his wife did that bothered him when instead of dealing with it he should have told her how he felt. Of course she may be offended at first, I know how we take things sometimes, but she may have noticed it once he pointed it out and she could have worked to fix it. I always try to make this point with Mike, I can't fix something I'm doing if I don't know its bothering him.

Communication is a big important thing in relationships. People now a days are so consumed in themselves and their technology that we forget our social skills and how to give a little and get along with others. I think it is only going to get worse with time if we don't start paying attention to our issues now. So pay more attention to your partner and your family and appreciate what you have, and if you are unhappy with something say it. Don't let it build up. I know Mike and I both have this issue and its something we are trying to work on, but its not like it can just happen in a day. But I am glad we are trying instead of just giving up and then looking back on it later and thinking of what we could have done to change it.

Marriage is not for you

http://www.viralnova.com/marriage-is-not-for-you/

I found this article on a friends Facebook page recently and I really loved what this guy was saying. Marriage is not just for you. You do it for your partner too. Not everything in life you do should be just to make yourself happy. If you care about someone else then you should try and do things that make you happy too.

Just because you don't care about the paper that states your married doesn't mean the other person feels the same way. I know Mike doesn't really care about getting married because we are basically married already. But it is something that is important to me so he is willing to do it to make me happy. I know its silly if you think about it, marriage is just a piece of paper stating that you commit yourself to the other person. I don't need that paper to tell me I'm committed to him, I already know it.

But I don't think it is just for me either. I think its good for our kids too. I think that when your married and have children its a commitment to work on your marriage. I feel like if your married it takes more to get divorced then to just break up. And yeah it costs money but wouldn't that make you want to try and spend a little more time working on your relationship rather than just giving up? I think it is so often now that people are just giving up and walking away instead of actually trying and making an effort and its sad.

Of course we don't have to get married its not a deal breaker for me but I would like to. And I am happy that we already have kids so that they could be for it to. I think it would make everything that much more special. Even if Mike and I were to never officially get married I would eventually change my name so that mine is the same as my kids. Plus I would love the fact that instead of being able to throw a rock and hit someone with the same name as me there would only be one or two other people in the United States with my name if I took Mikes last name and I kinda like that idea.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and some people feel marriage is an important step, others don't. But it shouldn't be just one persons decisions, it should be something you make together as a couple, it can help build your relationship knowing you are on the same track, or that one of you is willing to sacrifice your idea in order to make the other person happy. That is a big and amazing thing a person could do for their partner.

 

Paul Walker

If you haven't heard the news then you must be living under a rock. Paul Walker the actor died Saturday in a firey car crash. As one of his fans I am devistated. I was looking forward to the new fast and furious movie and now without him it just won't be the same.

 

I hope that something we all can take from this is that life is short. I mean it's kinda long but you never know how long or short yours will be. So make sure to tell the people important to you that you care. Make sure you do or say things that you want to do. If you have to look back on your life you don't want to regret that you didn't do or say something you should have.

 

Remebering 9/11

It still seems like yesterday when this terrible tragedy happened. We will never forget the terrible things that happened this day and all the people who lost their lives. My thoughts go out to all of the families who are hurting over the loss of loved ones that happened so long ago on this day. They will never be forgotten. This day will never be forgotten!

Is Miley Cyrus cray-cray?

I don't think anybody hasn't heard or seen Miley's new video. People are saying that she is a little off the wall, and going crazy. But she is only 20! She is aloud to be a little crazy! I remember when I was 20 and I was off the wall too. I think a lot of people where, its what happens when you finally get a little freedom and are out from under your parents roof. Stars like her just get their lives put out their more publicly and have more money than some of us did when we were her age so of course she can go a little more crazy because she has almost an endless amount of money.

So before you start judging her and stars like her, remember that you were once 20 too. That doesn't give them an ok to do some things, but it should give them a little more room to act the way a 20 year old should act. They cant hold it together all the time, they are only human!

 So I had already written this blog to post it this week and then the VMAs happened over ther weekend and Miley is the main talk about it and how she went overboard. I agree that it was a little much especially because she didn't seem to look very flattering in her outfits and then there's the fact that she was touching herself on stage. That's all a little to much for me but like why I said earlier I think she is just living her life like any normal teenager exept she just happens to have a fan base and tons of money, this should be expected to happen.

 I will say that I loved this picture someone had posted yesterday and this is kind of how I felt watching het butt shake all over the stage.

ASL

 

I absolutely love the show Switched at Birth. Not just because it is a good show but because of what it represents.

The show stands for people who are different, but should not be made fun of or ostracized from society because they are different. It is an amazing thing that because they were born without or "lost" their hearing that they are able to communicate in a completely different way.

I'll admit that I have not always been accepting of people who are deaf. Not because they were different but because I had a not so nice encounter with a deaf person so it made me wary of any deaf person.

Around the time that the show started my brother began taking ASL classes at the school as an elective. He would tell me about his interactions in the deaf community and I thought it was amazing. A lot of stuff on the show seemed accurate. People view the deaf people differently, like they are handicapped. They are teased and misunderstood just because they can't hear. Which I find ironically funny because we can hear but most of the time we just choose not to listen. Speaking sign language means you have to pay attention to understand what is being said. So you are more likely to actually listen to what the other person is saying.

But one of the very disappointing things about this situation is that there are times when a hearing family has a deaf child and many times instead of trying to learn an easier way to communicate with the child they force the child to try to keep up with their conversations by reading lips. I can't read lips for crap so I know if that was me I would be out of luck. I could understand it would be difficult to learn a new language but wouldn't you want to communicate with your child the best way possible? And learning sign language would also open you up to a whole new and amazing community of people.

It really upsets me that some parents would not do whatever they could to communicate with their kids. I learned a few signs so that before my kids could talk I taught them how to sign to communicate with me what they wanted. I want to be able to give me kids whatever they need and that means being able to communicate with them. So if you can't properly communicate with your child then how could they every really be satisfied in life and how could you know they have everything they need?

Dont cry about being rich and famous

http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/celeb-news/jennifer-lawrence-m-kind-going-meltdown-164910281.html

Some people think that the stars have no right to be complaining about having paparazzi stalkers and more, everyone just says that's what comes with the job, that's what you asked for. But no I doubt that's what they asked for at all. You go into a career like that because it is what you love to do, not because you are looking forward to be harassed by the people of the public who feel they have a right to know everything about your life.

I don't need to know all the personal information down to when they take a shit, its not necessary. Who cares where they eat, and who they are dating? Why do they no longer get any privacy because they are famous? You should be intrigued with the characters they play, look for the information about them that they willingly post, not harasses them and stalk them to find out everything you can. What good comes out of knowing a person that intimately but not actually having a real relationship with them?

I think the stars have every right to be uncomfortable with being stalked and harassed, I think they have every right to want privacy and to be able to walk down the street in peace without having 20 people follow them and shout things out at them. Its ridiculous and I feel for the stars, I would never want my life invaded like that, would you? Do we really think that its ok to pay the price of never having a moment alone just because you were in a movie that did great? I don't think so, do you?

Plastic Surgery

http://likes.com/misc/celebs-with-cosmetic-surgery?pid=96470&utm_source=mylikes&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=ml&utm_term=25657161

I just came across this and I cant figure out why people obsess over the work the stars have. So they get some  work done to keep them looking fresh? So what! If I could afford to get the work done I would have a lot done! My boobs wont lift and regrow themselves you know. We are all entitled to change ourselves because the services for that are out there. Why criticize someone because they didn't like their nose so they had it changed. Who cares?! Its their body, not yours. You don't like it then don't go and see their movies or support them, it wont change what they are doing to themselves but it will keep you from getting so upset about it. If its toxic then it is their choice to put it in them . Get over it!

Real mom bodies

http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/06272013-jade-beall-a-beautiful-body-project-must-see-photos-celebrate-real-moms-bodies/?scid=fb_wallPost

Not every mom has a body that bounces back the second they push out that baby. My body shrunk back fast but it certainly didn't look the way it did before I got pregnant. And here are some other women who are in the category of post baby bodies. It is proof that there are real women out there. Not everybody looks like the slim moms in the movie industry, and that's ok.

Jennifer Lawrence is obese

http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/11/09/jennifer-lawrence-weight/

I was out with a friend, getting a pedicure the other day and I cam across and old magazine from November of last year. As I was flipping through it I came across a picture of Jennifer Lawrence in her bikini. And next to that was a comment from her: “In Hollywood, I’m obese, I’m considered a fat actress. I’m Val Kilmer in that one picture on the beach.”

And I realized in reading that, that she is right. When I saw her in Silver Linings Playbook I thought she looked kind of chunky, but in reality she is probably the same size, if not smaller than me. And she is not really a chunky girl, she just isn't a size zero like we are trained to look for.

The article link at the top is her comment in the magazine and the link at the bottom is her in a bikini.

I could not believe what I have allowed the Hollywood people to put in my head. But I am at least proud of my self for not thinking that I need to loose weight, just that I need to tone up. I am very happy with my weight I just want more muscle and I want to eat healthier to set a good example for my children. And I don't want them to ever look at someone her size and think she is too fat, I want them to be comfortable with themselves and to not compare their bodies to those robots in Hollywood.

 I think that Jennifer Lawrence is setting a great example for our youth and I support her and her body image, and I hope that some day soon I can be as comfortable with my body as she seems to be with hers!

http://www.justjared.com/2012/11/21/jennifer-lawrence-bikini-babe-in-hawaii/

San Antonio, we are thinking of you!

http://news.yahoo.com/san-antonio-flooding-kills-2-200-plus-rescued-025825223.html

I hope that the water recedes quickly and that everyone is using caution when going outside their homes. You are all in our thoughts!

We cant make another you

When I was pregnant with Tyler we knew early on that I would have to have a scheduled c-section because of my medical background. Well of course there is always a small possibility something could go wrong. I prepared for it like most new parents would and my request was that if it came down to it they should save the baby over me.

When I told my dad my wishes this is what he said to me "Don't say that. You can always make another baby, but we can't make another you."

I understand what he was trying to say, I was his baby and he didn't want anything to happen to me. But what he didn't understand was this was my baby and I didn't want anything to happen to him. That I would sacrifice my life for my child.

But this got me wondering, would I say the same thing to my kids if when they are grown and ready to have kids that they were in this same situation? How can I know? I would do anything for my kids, I would die for them, I have felt that way since the beginning. But what happens when it is their turn to have kids. Would I say that to them because I would be afraid of losing them or would I just easily accept that they would give up their life for their children just like I would have done for them?

At first I judged my dad really harshly for those words, and maybe I still do. But truthfully I don't know what I would say if that situation ever happened with my kids and grandkids. I could end up saying the same thing because truthfully what else is there to say? I mean I can say don't talk or think like that but that doesn't really change anything.

All I can hope for is that the situation I was in when having my children does not happen for them with their kids. And if for any reason it does then I can look back at what was said to me and how I felt about everything and maybe it will help me figure out the right thing to say in that situation. If there really is a right thing to say..

Silver Linings Playbook

I just jumped on the Silver Linings Playbook bandwagon over the weekend. I had not really understood what the movie was about, but it definitely was not what I was expecting based on the title. It was a really great movie though. I think everybody played their characters very well.

As a person suffering from mental illness this movie kind of touched home. I can understand what Bradley Coopers character was going through. I have spent most of my life in therapy and when I say most of my life I mean I started therapy when I was around 6 and I have been going on and off since then my entire life. So I have had about 18 years of therapy on and off. And it wasn't until after I graduated high school and went off to college did I finally learn what was wrong with me.

I was about 18 when I finally realized that I was bipolar. I had been to numerous therapists over the years and not one had ever put two and two together with that. I struggled for years thinking that something was wrong with me but not knowing what it was. And finally after over 10 years of on and off therapy I finally knew what was wrong with me. And I finally knew who to see to get the right help.

It has been about 6 years since I figured out what was going on inside my head. And although I am no longer on medication it does not mean I am better. I chose not to be on the medication after a few years because it seemed to numb who I was and I didn't like feeling that way. This is something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, and its something that my kids could potentially have too. But I am learning every day, still, how to deal with it and how to control myself. Sometimes it just so hard and I feel like I should go back on the meds, and I know its ok if at some point I have to, it will be for the best.

But what has kept me going and fighting this terrible side of me for the past few years is Mike. I had been denied by so many people before him because I was over emotional, dramatic, and crazy. But he accepted me as broken as I was and he has slowly healed me over time. I may complain about him and he may drive me crazy at times but the truth is that he saved me. He pushes me everyday to be a better person and to try harder to be the person I know I can be. He saw the person I am inside and he accepted the outer problems to be with the person he knows I can be.

And if it were not for him I know I would not be in the more stable mindset I am now.

 

Who wants to go home?

Me! I never want to go home from a vacation for any other reason then lack of sleep. I don't sleep well away from home. I have always been like this. It's not gonna change. I just like to sleep in my own bed!

Thankyou

To those of you who don't already know Mike and I went away this weekend by ourselves, without kids! I mean without our kids at least. We went to Islands of Adventure one day so we just traded our kids for a good 10000 more! But we had lots of fun and the best part of all is that he asked me to marry him!

And it's about freaking time! We have been together for 5 years now, we have two kids, two new cars, a shared income and house and we are not married yet! Obviously this is happening at the right pace though because we have not always had a healthy relationship and if we had done marriage first it may not have worked. But that's not to say it hasn't been a long time coming! I have been waiting for this moment for a while now, and he wanted to get it just right, and he did!

This is my official coming out statement. We have told our parents, siblings, and a few close friends, and today I will be telling my grandparents. So to all our friends and family who read this now you know! I will be posting this on all of the social websites later today for the rest of the people to know.

I was a bully

 

I became a bully sometime in high school. Obviously the bullying to my younger siblings started much earlier but when I started really lashing out on other people was in high school.

I tortured other girls for stupid reasons (mostly because they liked my cheating and manipulative boyfriend). I was aware of his interests in other girls but I still felt the need to claim him as mine and to win the fight for him. I wasted years on this guy who was a jerk to me for so long and who really screwed me up in the head. But I don't think the bullying started because of him.

I was bullied in middle school and some of high school, because I was under developed (I was almost a year younger than all my classmates). When I finally grew into myself it happened almost over night and I looked great. I finally had confidence in my body and did what I thought was supposed to be done to keep someone in my life: fight for him.

To this day I still think about how nasty I was to some of the girls in my highschool. I was mean to them for talking to my boyfriend but never took the anger out on the cheating bastard. But I was young and very very naïve and somehow accepted what was being done to me and just took it out on others. I know now what I did was wrong and if I could take it back I would. I would have given up on him a long time before if I had known what it would do to me down the road. I still know him now and he has turned out a better person from what I know so at least one of us came out ok.

But to all those girls that I bullied I am truly sorry. I was young and stupid and thought I was in love and should do whatever I could to keep that love and keep other people away from us. I realize now it was wrong and unhealthy and but I can't change the past and I'm sorry for that. I only hope that at some point if those girls are still holding onto that hatred for me that they can forgive me because I really am sorry.