Pulse

I never wrote about the shootings at Pulse Nightclub.

Ok, that's not true. I wrote about it. I just never posted it. I couldn't seem (no matter how hard I tried) to get out what I wanted to say. Nothing felt right. It all felt forced, everything I typed felt wrong. I wanted to tell people how upset I was but that didn't seem like enough. I didn't want to make this tragedy about me because it wasn't. Yes, it was about the people of my community, it happened practically in my backyard. 

But I didn't feel like any of that related to me. I felt like nothing I said would be good enough. I felt like nothing I said would have expressed how miserable and shaken I was by what happened that night. Do you know I never watch the news? Like never. I watched the news more in that week after the shooting than I have in the past six years of my life. I don't think I've watched the news that much since 9-11. I hate the news. I hate it. But I had to watch it. I had to. Even though I know the news is full of lies I had to watch it. 

Maybe I just needed to cry? I cried a lot. I shed so many tears for all the family and friends of the victims of the shooting. I spent so much time trying so hard not to tell my kids what a disgusting world we live in. I tried to smile and be happy because I didn't them to know I was sad or crying. I didn't want to risk them asking what was wrong and then feel like I had to lie to them. Because I would have, I would have lied. Which I try not to do to my kids. I try to be honest with them. I try not to let them walk around with scarlet colored glasses on.

I teach my kids about the truth of our history. I teach them that we live on land that was stolen by our ancestors. I teach them the truth of how we are killing our earth. I teach them how to help care for our earth. I teach them to appreciate what they have. I teach them about stranger danger and what can happen if a strangers gets you. I teach them about all these truths of our world but I could not teach them about hate. Because that's what happened that night at Pulse, hate. I will not teach my children hate. I will teach them honesty, forgiveness, love, compassion, humility, humor, and respect but I will not teach them how to hate.

And to tell them about what happened that day would be teaching them to hate. Because no matter how people word it, what happened that day was hate. No matter how people twist it, what we feel for that man is hate. What we feel for the people who didn't notice the signs earlier is anger. What we feel for his family is pity. What we feel for the families of the victims is sorrow. I don't want to teach those feelings to my kids. Not yet. I want them to believe that this world is a good place. 

I want my kids to watch a movie and for me to say that fighting they are doing is pretend. That doesn't happen in real life. I want them to be ignorant to very few things in life but this is one of them. I will keep my children young and innocent for as long as possible. When the time comes for them to understand I will tell them. I will teach them about that day because god knows the history books probably wont. 

I will teach them everything about that day but what I will emphasize most is the love. The love that I feel for all of the families of the victims. The love I feel for my LGBTQ+ community. The love I feel for the people who stood up for my community. The love we need to heal our broken society. I will teach my children how to love so that they will never ever run the risk of becoming anything like that monster. 

I will teach my children truth.

I will teach my children love.

I will teach them that even though there are bad people out there it does not mean that our world is bad. 

I will teach my children hope.

I have hope that our world can get better. I have hope that the next generation will be the best generation because I will influence as many young minds as possible to make the place my children grow up the best place possible.

I am sorry for all of the victims and families of victims from the Pulse massacre. I cant begin to imagine what any one of you are and have been going through. Not a day goes by that I don't think about that awful night. I didn't know anybody there that night but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less. My thoughts are with all the families as they continue to grieve.

A year of blogs has changed me....

I started this blog with the intention of whining about my two aggravating kids. But how long can somebody complain about their kids before you get tired of hearing it? Sure I could tell a story a day because they damn sure get on my nerves everyday. But what good is that? Eventually it all becomes one big complaint and while motherhood is that a lot of the time that is not all I am.

 

I am not just a mom I'm a daughter. I'm a sister. I'm a granddaughter. I'm a friend. I'm a citizen. And I'm a partner to someone else. And all of those people piss me off too!! So why shouldn't I be aloud to complain about all of them??

 

I should complain about all of those things because at least that's changing it up! But then why stop at complaining? Why not go a littler further and compliment or laugh or cry over something else happening to or around me? Why should I limit my blog to one particular topic? Sure I can be a bad mom. That's why I named my site that... But shouldn't I stick with that then. If I'm a bad mom then my focus won't always be on my children right? If I was a good mom wouldn't they be my focus? Well they aren't I'm sorry... At least not all of the time, they wish they were though, but don't all kids?

 

So after a while of talking about bad kids I decided I could broaden my topic categories. And I think that's what blogging is. You start with what you know and then move on from there. And that is what I have done. Of course I want to complain about my kids still. But would you read it every day if it was the same redundant shit everyday? Probably not. So therefore I try to throw a little diversity in here sometimes.

 

I write a bunch of shit and then I basically throw it in a hat and each morning I pick out a new topic that I want to post. Some are written ahead of time and some are spontaneous but that's just how I manage my schedule sometimes.

 

I know sometimes I'm neglectful. My posts may not be perfect but I'm not perfect, I know, big shocker... to me too. But really I am way, centuries away, from being perfect. Plus if there is misspelling its probably because I typed it on my phone and my phone is an idiot. It auto corrects things that shouldn't be corrected and doesn't correct other things. Plus I think from only spelling four to five letter words most of the time I have forgotten how to spell most of the bigger words, I have turned into a grown 3 year old I guess you could say.

 

I am never sure whether to write a long or short blog. I know that when I read another blog post or an article I don't like spending much time sitting and reading that one post. So I guess when I write my blogs I try to keep that in mind. Plus we are all adults here so at least you guys get the hidden message, with my kids I have to walk them through everything step by step so that means lots and lots of talking.

 

This new year has not changed a thing about how I feel about comments. I appreciate them. I like to hear what everyone says. I like getting the emails about blog posts so keep them coming! I will accept good or bad comments. Obviously I'm pretty open about everything so on here you can be too, and I wont judge you...unless you judge me to harshly.

I got a job!

After over 3 years of not working I finally got myself a job.

 

By not working of course I mean not doing a money paying job. If you are a parent then you know that having kids is a full time job whether you are home with them during the day or not. All I have done for the past three years is clean, cook, shop, watch the kids, and attend doctors appointments and any other stuff that came up over that time.

 

But now, finally I have a job! I only do it one day a week for only a couple of hours, I will be making hardly any money doing it, but that doesn't stop it from being any less exciting! I can finally say that I have a job! And its a guaranteed 2 hours at least a week of being almost practically by myself! Its a job delivering flowers for a company that my family has been involved with for about 14 years or more. This past Saturday was my third day there and I loved it! And I will look forward to that day every week!

 

Entwined with you

I like to read in my spare time...when I have spare time. And one of the series that I came across was the Crossfire series by Sylvia Day. They are like the 50 Shades of Grey books but better in my opinion. I just find these books more realistic then the Grey series. And I just started reading the third book Entwined with you the other day. I just finished it today and I am not happy with Sylvia about this book.

I mean I am happy with it, it was good, but I thought this was the last book and I was going to get some answers and I didn't, and this isn't the last book. Not that I have any problem with reading another book, I would be more than happy to do that, but now I have to wait god knows how long for the next book. I hardly made it through this book without rereading the first two, how am I supposed to go another year or whatever without knowing what happens next? And then when that book comes out I'll have to reread the first books again!

I'm just saying if your going to put out a book have it come out a month later because I cant handle this! I know why they do it, I'd probably do the same. But I'm going to be dying until I get to know what happens next!

If you have not read these books yet go buy a copy now! They are amazing! And they can really pump up your sex life!! ;)

DOMA

I realized the other day that I have not yet commented on what happened the other day in California. It was a great day to hear that the ban against same sex marriage is no more. That is one step closer to everybody finally being treated equally.

If you have not figured it out yet, I fully support gay marriage. I fully support the right to marry what ever person it is that you want to marry or have a relationship with. I think love is love no matter what sex the other partner is, and no matter what color of their skin. I do not think that there is anything wrong with a man loving a man, a woman loving a woman, and even one color person loving the another.

I think that loving another person should be easy, their should be no catch to who can and cant get married. Who cares what they do in their bedroom? Are you watching their penetration? NO! So why does it matter? Because they kiss in public? Oh man! God forbid you see two men kiss each other in public, what's gonna happen to you? Are you going to melt on the spot? NO! Nothing fucking happens to you. Nothing that they do with each other directly affects anybody else! Why is this so hard for people to understand? Who cares if they get married, or if they screw each other? It has nothing to do with you!

So why make it difficult for them for no other reason then some book says marriage is between a man and a woman. If that was really what was intended from the book then God would not have made it possible for people to love someone of the same sex! If you believe in God so much and think he created us then why is it hard for you to accept a couple of the same sex because he created them? If he created you then he created them.

And don't give me that oh its a choice thing. Its not a choice. You don't choose who or how you love, its something you feel inside. And if you believe in God then why is it so hard to believe that God gave us the choice to love whoever we want? Because he did. He gave us the choice to think for ourselves, to love who we want, to be who we want. So who are we to stop another person from thinking for themselves or loving who they want or being who they want to be?

A degree from home

http://education.yahoo.net/articles/degrees_for_homebodies.htm?kid=1O0VR

If you are a stay at home mom like me, or are just able to stay home then maybe these degrees are right for you! I wish that they offered the degree I am interested in online but it is not possible yet. Maybe one day. But until then I plan to go back to school to finish my degree when my kids are in school. Until then I will continue to write my book and hope that this blog becomes known. And I hope that one day I can make lots of money from both of those things! ...Hopefully one day soon!

My first day out without my ring

As some of you know Mike and I just recently got engaged in April. And I have made sure to wear my ring at all times if possible mainly because we have been together for so long that I am amazed it finally happened and I have to wear the ring to be sure it actually did. But the other day I left the house and ran a bunch of errands and it wasn't until I got into the car to head home that I noticed I wasn't wearing my ring.

I was shocked at first and worried I had let it slip off without even knowing it. But then I thought back and remember that I had never even put it on that day. It was very upsetting to know that I had forgotten it at home. So far that has been my only day since that I have left home without my ring, but I forget that I am wearing it, although I don't know how because it is so damn heavy! But in such a short time it has become a part of me and I put it on each day just like I put on my bra or shoes to leave the house.

It is amazing how attached I can be to a single piece of jewelry and how this item explains and means so much but it does and every time I look at I smile, and then I wince because it sparkles so much it hurts your eyes! :)I am a very lucky girl!!

 

(Yes I know this is a mans hand, but it gets my point across)