So its no surprise to any of you that I have suffered with depression for most of my life. Every year around fall it kicks into high gear, I'm not sure why but it always happens. I can feel it slowly starting to creep in as the days pass, placing a heavier weight on my shoulders day by day. I try to hide it, I try to put on a smile and laugh at the things I should even though I don't really feel it. I've been on and off of meds throughout my life (currently on) but it never fully helps and if it is working it sometimes makes you feel worse, like a walking zombie.
I'm so tired of being a slave to these insane emotions. I've been told for years to do meditation, to exercise, do yoga, to heat healthier. I've gone in and out, never fully committing to any of these. I have found it difficult over the past years to really get into eating healthier and exercising... I'm changing that now.
I've set myself up with routines. I try to workout in any form at least 4 days a week. Sometimes I go less if I'm busy but I make up for it the next time I do work out. I push myself harder and harder each time, I feel the burn, the sore muscles afterwards, the absolute tiredness throughout my body but this time I'm embracing it. Even if I don't feel like it sometimes but I have the time I tell myself to bite the bullet and get my butt into gear and it helps. I talk to myself like a trainer would, I tell myself to keep going even when I'm getting tired. I push myself to go on because I know I can and I'm only cheating myself. If I don't push myself to keep going who will?
You know what I have realized though after staying in this routine for about a month now? It's that I really do feel better! I feel so happy and amazing on the days that I workout... the days that I don't I feel the depression creeping in. I'm hoping that I can soon get rid of it altogether even if it means I have to workout 7 days a week.
Do you know what feels amazing about this whole process? That I can run/walk/play more. For example recently we went to Universal (adults only, incredible right!?) and we walked around that place from 9am to 2am. Yes. Over 12 hours of walking/standing in line. I was the only person out of the 4 of us that could have kept going until god only knows when. I couldn't believe it. Sure I crashed when I finally went to bed at 4am but I could have kept going. That's when I knew, I knew that I have to keep this up. I want to be able to spend hours a day doing some seriously physical activity (like kayaking with 2 kids) and not get tired in the first few minutes.
Although running, and enjoying it is new to me and it kinda makes me sick to my stomach that I'm enjoying it but it's good for me...
As for the eating healthy part... well I'm working on that. If it's in the house I will eat it. I have to pry my fingers off the box of holiday Pillsbury cookie dough in the store. Food, that's my downfall. Cookie dough, cookies, brownies, chocolate. Yeah all of that, yummy. I doubt I'll ever defeat my hunger for the bad food, I'll give in plenty of times but I'll eat as healthy as I can for the rest of time. I mean, we only live once right? And if eating a little unhealthy now and then takes a year or two off my life, well it's kinda worth it. Can I get an amen?
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