This is the year

This is it. This year, this is when it all begins. The super early mornings, the late nights catching up on chores, the endless activities, the need to do more.

I'm not quite sure what changed in me. Maybe it's the fact that I now have a kid who goes to school full time and is in kindergarten. Maybe it's all those horrific news articles I come across. Maybe it's me trying to "fit it". Or maybe it's me doing all this to try to feel like I'm a better mom, like I'm doing this job the best I can...

PTO started. I'd promised myself before I had kids that I'd never be one of those moms. I promised myself to be as un-involved in all of these after school parent things as much as possible. I did not want to become one of those fabled catty women who center their lives around their kids school and do everything to prove they are the best mom around. And now I've only made it one year and I suddenly feel the need to become that overachiever mom.

What happened? I was so content for 5 years of being the mediocre mom. The mom who nobody applauded or pointed fingers at. Just something in the middle, that's all I wanted. But now? Nooo. Not now. I want it all. I want the extra curricular activities, I want to volunteer at the school. I even joined the PTO and am joining SAC! It's amazing what you would do for your kids. The length you would go to make sure they are happy and safe. That's really what this new me is about.

I'm scared to leave my kids alone. I'm scared I could be holding them back. I'm scared to let them go places I'm not, be around people I don't know. So I have to. I have to get involved. I have to find things for my kids to do to get out of the house but a way that I can supervise somehow. I want to know what they are doing all day when they are away from me. I want to know who is around them and know the info before I read it online.

It doesn't just stop at wanting to constantly supervise and be the helicopter mom I pretend I'm not.

My mom never signed us up for anything, she never got on the PTO but she really couldn't have. Being a single mom working full time and going back to school after hours took up all her time. It was hard enough for her. She wanted to better herself for us and didn't have time for extra curricular activities. I don't blame her for that but I remember wishing I could do things like that. Although me being the quitter I was in high school it's probably better she didn't spend a bunch of money trying to put me in activities I'd give up on anyways.

 But now, being a stay at home mom, I have the opportunity and time to let my kids do these things, anything really, anything they want to do- within reason. So why not? I'm ok with being the joke to my friends for being the world's biggest hypocrite. I'm ok with driving the "mom van" as my brother calls it, although a SUV is not a mom van!! I'm ok with being the cranky mom at all the sports meets because I'm so tired all the time from running around. I'm ok with all of that because I'd be doing it for my kids, because right now I have the time. I'm ok with getting only a few hours of sleep a night because I get up early to make sure lunch is made and breakfast is eaten. I'm ok with doing all this insane selfless stuff to make my kids happy... for now at least.