So recently I have been forced into the realization that when my current insurance expires I may have to find a job to try and afford something similar. The idea alone freaks me the hell out. I haven't worked a full time job since February of 2010. That's 4 1/2 years of staying at home with the kids. I thought I was being crazy, selfish, whiny, and a million other things because I don't want to think about leaving my kids with someone else. But now I'm realizing that before I thought I was all alone in this boat but now I realize it is a very large boat and I'm definitely not in it alone.
I have a few friends who have recently had children and have come to the same realization I have, which is that they may not or can no longer stay home with their kid. It's not practical for them for whatever reason but I'm not alone in my freak-out. I've said I would cry daily if I have to leave them, I have a friend who does that. I said I would put it off as much as possible, I have a friend doing that. I have said I would have panic attacks during the job search, I have a friend doing that. I have said I would go out of my way to make sure I don't have to leave my kids, I have a friend doing that. I have said so many other things about this new reality I'm faced with and I am far from alone in my beliefs.
You know, growing up I was led to believe that the women of my time were no longer housewives but incredible business women yet I see more stay at home moms now than I ever have even as a kid. Years and ago it was the only choice women had but now its a choice I see many women wishing they could make. I just want to be the mom who can stay home with my kids until they have to go to school full time. Then I can find something else to do with my time whether its part time or fulltime or whatever I choose.
I'm too paranoid to trust many people with my children. That's probably why I've gotten very little time to myself over the past four years. I don't stay with my kids just to be the mom who rubs that in everyone else's faces, its more because I'm scared. I'm scared of them growing up. I'm scared of having to be a grown up and finally making a big time career choice for myself. I am scared of leaving my kids with someone who will hurt them on purpose or on accident. I am scared that my kids wont be able to tell me that something bad is happening to them because they are too young to know how to. I'm scared that my children may like their new caregiver more than me. I am scared that I will realize what a failure of a mom I have been when someone else can take care of my kids better than me.
There are like a thousand reasons why I want to stay home with my kids. I hope that somehow my brain kicks into gear soon and I can somehow hold out a few more years. But I really feel for those moms who have to work even though they would rather be home with their kids. I am so thankful that I have been able to stay home with them this long. Sure they drive me nuts but I know that I wouldn't be happy if I couldn't be home with them. I can only imagine what its going to look like when I have to leave them for a full time job. I tell you now, I know it wont be pretty. I already cry and have panic attacks thinking about it, how the hell am I going to go through with leaving them? Who knows the lengths I would go to try to be able to stay home with them. Lets hope I don't have to work on any ideas...
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