Bridal Shower

My first party out of many to attend over the next three months was my friends bridal shower which was yesterday. I have known her for about half of my life and I am so happy that she is going to be married to the guy of her dreams soon. However it does mean that I have to attend a few parties that will be awkward for me.

Its not really a big deal because social awkwardness happens to a lot of people and we all get through it just fine. But at parties (even my own) it becomes obvious how terrible I am in social situations. I get all tongue tied and I can't even think of something to talk about with one of my close friends. I am much better in intimate conversations by far. In social situations of two or more people I have been known to make a huge ass out of myself.

I make jokes that nobody knows are jokes and I look like a total bitch. I forget even the simplest of words to strike up a conversation with someone. I feel pressured to try and talk to each person for an equal amount of time but can't remember who I talked to or what we talked about. I even get serious anxiety before a gathering and obsess over my outfit, hair, makeup, and other things that normally only a child would obsess over.

Now this doesn't just happen at parties, it happens at the grocery store too- anywhere there is a lot of people. So in no way is this my friends fault, it is a flaw of my own that I face all the time but can never seem to overcome. I play it off like I don't care what people think when I actually obsess over what people think of me. I stay up all night after a social situation and obsess over every detail. I see a therapist to discuss my obsessive habits because they get scary and disrupt my normal routines.

This is a problem that I hope to one day fix, but until that day I get to sweat and drink my way through every social situation possible and hope that I don't make an ass of myself and then try not to obsess over it the second I leave. So if you ever see me at a party or at a store or in any social place don't take my standoff behavior offensively, I'm just unsure of myself and doing whatever I can to float through as gracefully as possible.