What he says and what he means...

He says: I just changed a huge poop!
He means: I just changed a pee, but you think it's a poop so next time he does poop, that one is yours.

He says: I only used 2 wipes to change that one!
He means: It only took me 20 wipes this time!

He says: We missed you!
He means: I stayed home and watched the kids while YOU went out, YOU owe ME!

He says: Well I decided to go with this other option after all. I came up with it all on my own!
He means: You were right but there is no way in hell I'm telling you that!

He says: You are such a hypocrite!
He means: I hope she doesn't remember all those times I've been a hypocrite.

He says: I have to go use the bathroom.
He means: One of the kids is pooping and I'm not going to be here to change it.

He says: There was no reception, so I couldn't call you back, sorry.
He means: I was on my vacation AWAY from YOU, why would I want to TALK to YOU?

He says: No you don't look fat in that.
He means: Even if you do look fat in that I'm not telling you that. I'm not stupid.

He says: No I'm not staring at that woman, I didn't even notice her breast was falling out of her shirt.
He means: Of course I'm staring at her! Her breast is out! I noticed it before we even walked in here.

He says: Yeah, I understand.
He means: Yeah, I understand you are totally bat shit crazy!

He says: No, don't worry you go have fun. I'll take care of everything while your'regone.
He means: I'll make sure the kids are still alive and ok when you get home, I won't make promises about the house being in the same condition.

He says: I didn't know whether the dishwasher was clean or dirty.
He means: I didn't even bother to check the dishwasher, I knew you would wash them when you got home.

He says: Whatever you say hunny.
He means: I'll do what you want me to do so I don't have to hear you bitch for days.