Vulnerability

I'm posting this, coming to you in my rarest form. Hair a mess, mascara stained lids, no filter, just me. After a long day, a night filled with friends, laughter, alcohol, and bonfires... all I wanted was to rinse the smoke off my body and climb into bed. My daughter had other ideas for this. After putting her back to bed twice she appears at the shower door tears in her eyes. I ask her what's going on and she says she wants to shower too. (I had put them right to bed since we got home so late.)

I have never been one to hide my body around my children so she climbs into the shower with me. I held her little body against me and sacrificed the warmth of the water so she wouldn't get cold. I washed us both all the while letting her stand under the shower absorbing all its heat. I got out of the shower dripping wet and freezing to get her a towel. I dried her while I shivered in the cold air because the heater had not yet filled our house with warmth.  

Suddenly it occurred to me. There are so many things in my life I am willing to sacrifice for my children. I sacrificed my body, my schooling, my career, my social life, my private time, my sanity, my bed, and even my warm late night shower. All for two people who won't understand it until they have children of their own. I do this selfless act and many more like it everyday for my children so they know and have the best of everything. 

I can't promise my daughter that she won't get heart broken, I can't promise she won't loose friends, I can't promise her so many things. But what I can promise her is to be strong. I can show her that no matter how many times you get knocked down you get back up and fight back. You protect the ones you love. I hope my daughter never has to experience life like I have. I hope she never has to deal with the  sexual abuse I faced. I hope she never has to be mentally abused and broken beyond repair. I hope she never has to get up one morning qnd stand in the shower trying to scrub off the pain and anguish off her body after being raped. I hope all these things for her. I hope them all so much for her because I know what it's like to have experienced them. But most of all I hope she doesn't have to fight.

I hope that she doesn't have to fight for equality. I hope she doesn't have to fight for fair pay. I hope she doesn't have to fight for her life. I hope she never has to fight a man off of her. I hope she never has to be objectified, cat-called or harassed. I hope all of these things for her but I know that for those things to come true, change has to start somewhere.

There are so many stories I've held in for so long. I've lived a life never wanting people to know how broken I am inside. I hide my scars, invisible and not. I push people away, lovers and friends. When people ask me if I'm ok I say of course. Today someone told me that I would say that even if I wasn't. I was told that nobody would really know what was going on with me because I dont let people in.

Lately people have been telling me how distant and cold I've seemed for so many years. What I thought was me being independent was not taken that way by others. What I have realized recently but still can't seem to practice is that being vulnerable doesn't mean you are weak. Asking for help doesn't make you a wimp.

It took my daughter climbing into the shower with me. It took her climbing into my bed after this saying "Mommy can you wrap your body around me again to keep me warm like you did last night?" Her asking this didn't make her week. Her vulnerability didn't make her a wimp. It made her look strong to admit she just wanted the love of her mother. This was something I was more than willing to give. I gave it so easily. It was so easy for me to help her, to love her, when she asked that of me...

So tomorrow, I have decided I will be vulnerable. I will let my guard down. Let people in. I will accept help and at the same time ask for it. I will practice this not to seem weak, but to feel stronger. To know that my fight doesn't have to be fought alone.