So I see a psychiatrist. She is supposed to be there to help me work through my issues. But oddly enough the last two times I have gone there I have noticed a good increase in my OCD issues.
I saw her in November. When I was checking in the nurse did the usual blood pressure, weight crap, blah blah blah. So after she is done taking my blood pressure she says "Oh hey. Your blood pressure is exactly what it was last week. Go ahead and hop on the scale for me. I bet your weight is going to be the same too." She checks the scale and goes back to her paper and says "Oh, nevermind." I dismissed it. But she couldn't stop there. "Well its ok. You know everyone gains weight over the holidays." Gee thanks. What was I supposed to say to that? Sure its true it happens with most people and I knew I had gained a few pounds. I had no issue with that, not until she unintentionally rubbed it in my face.
The next time I saw her there was a different nurse so no weight remarks there. But once I get into the office and my psych and I start talking she looks down at her papers and she says "So I see you have been gaining some weight recently." And I say "Yeah but I really don't have a problem with the number. I'm ok with it. I'm more worried about just toning my body up." It would have been nice if it ended there, but it didn't. She says "Well you've been going on walks with the kids like I told you to right." Yes, I respond. "Good. Keep doing that. Go for long walks and it should help with the toning and with the weight loss."
Like wtf? What a way for them both to make me feel like a goddamn whale! I know that in no way am I overweight or obese. Sure I weighed like 10lbs less in October but I hadn't really cared. Well not until now. Now tell me this, knowing my OCD background why would 2 people in that office comment about my weight. What exactly do you expect to happen? For me to just take the comments and go on with my day? NO. Of course I can't do that! No matter how bad I want to keep going as if nothing happened I cant! I weigh myself more times in a day now than I had over the period of last year! I count every fucking calorie I take in. If I feel like I have gone to far in that day I wont snack and just go to bed hungry. I have actually gone to bed early to ignore the hunger.
What kind of carp is this? You think I like worrying about this all the time? It's bad enough I have to wash my hands after I touch anything, now I have to stare at calorie counts in the grocery store. I track what I take in on my phone. And god forbid I eat something that is more than 300 calories in one damn sitting I have a panic attack! How was that supposed to help me? I know there could have been a better way to handle my big weight gain. But it wasn't.
I know what your thinking as your reading this. If you know all of this why are you worrying about your weight? Why because its more subconscious then conscious. I don't even notice myself pulling out the scale sometimes because it has become an obsession. I never noticed how much I washed my hands until I had to start applying tons of lotion because I was drying out my hands. I still cant stop myself even when I know its stupid and I don't need to wash my hands. If I don't do it then it feels like an itch. You know how that is. You feel that itch and you try not to scratch it, you try to ignore it so it will go away but you cant. Eventually you scratch it. That's how it is for me.
Over the years I have gotten better about my OCD and have calmed down on the cleaning and such. It still stresses me out seeing a mess but I can control myself better and not freak out. But adding a new obsession on to this while I'm trying to work on the first one is not what I would call helpful. I know it was neither of their intentions to make me feel this way but its just what happened. There is nothing I can do about it now except for to try and control my compulsions.
But maybe this in a way was the push I needed. I want to be healthier, to eat better, to exercise. I was doing ok but I was snacking at night still. Maybe this is what I needed to stop all the snacking. I'm not stupid enough to let myself go hungry for long because then I get hangry (hungry and angry). And if I did good during the day I will reward myself with a little treat at night. So far I have lost almost 3 pounds in a week and a half so maybe this was a good thing? Hopefully I can just get this newfound obsession to a more controllable level so I'm not constantly thinking about it and then I can really be on the right track to being healthier. I know it all starts with the mind....
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